Rejected Taglines: “Only two things are certain in life - True Love and Taxes.”

Climactic Scene. -The setting is British parliament. Stephen Fry is riding on a wave of popularity as he goes to bring in this new tax (which ordinarily would be difficult/unpopular to pass). He starts off by addressing parliament and no doubt there is witty banter between himself and the Opposition party. Richard E. Grant plays the leader of the Opposition because he is really good at sneering and being scathingly witty.

Hugh Jackman and Scarlett Johansson are sitting apart from each but both watching. They have broken up in the previous scene over the differences and this tax thing. Hugh Jackman has re-written this speech which he gave to the PM just before this scene with some ‘last minute’ changes.

The speech is a not-very-well disguised analogy for the relationship between the protagonists which gets a standing ovation from the Members and an embrace and such from the protagonists. This is so well written that apparently this scheme (which puts in jeopardy a billion-pound tax) can bring true love and taxes at the same time. I imagine it is heavy on schmaltz and thin on facts.

Executive Producer Notes: At the end Richard E. Grant is either forced (grudgingly) to applaud along with everyone else or is instead the subject of some unlikely physical pratfall (being run out of court by the official carriage of shame or some such). Both of these would be great but test audience were split down the middle.

With such a dichotomy of personalities one wonders how they ever met. The story opens with them just after starting their relationship and already madly in love with each other. As the story progresses we watch them overcome each issue that presents itself (never easily) but they continue to try and make it work. Occasionally past issues arise and the audience gets to see how they meet. Ever present is the tension that each society, both human an vampire, brings to bear against their unholy union.

In the end they find a magical balance in their lives. At night Esephine watches over Roger and he finds solace in her protection. Each morning Roger gets up before dawn and they spend a few precious moments together before he heads to work. Esephine sleeps during the day and at dusk she arises as Roger returns home carrying blood from the hospital.

“A movie where the entire third act is shot either at dawn or dusk? At first I thought of it as a challenge, then a chore, then a nightmare from which I could never wake up (my circadian rhythms being all out of whack)” Pete Styles - Cinematographer.

“Ratchets the poignancy up to eleven!” - A bad critic.

Synopsis: Documentary / Reality TV. Follows the adventures of Tosh (MacGregor) and Sophie (Beckham) as they attempt to become the best new officers at the British police academy. Their instructors are the benevolent Sargeant Robertson (Neeson) and the hard-ass sharp-tongued Morrows (Laurie).

The two junior officers, live, laugh and learn. Occasional tears and all the while an evil plan is being incubated and will eventually hatch. The two juniors with the help of Detective Morrows reveal the bad guy to be the Sargeant Robertson and his (unseen) wife. They also learn that Morrows is hard but fair, just like the officers they are about to become!

Pre-screening Review: Riding high on the international success of Police Academy’s 20th anniversary, Top of the Cops brings the artful back to pratfalls. Originally slated to be scripted and directed by Mike Newell this could have been a runaway success. Instead we get a limp script by newcomer Faith Durrington and awkward direction by has-been Carter Charles III. Together they create a script so turgid it is all the excellent cast, some of whom seem to be holding back winces and laughter at each line, can do to keep the scenes from imploding altogether. The exception that proves the rule here is Beckham whose ability fits the thin plot and characterisation perfectly.

There is, however, a quite good car chase and everyones’ hats are superb.

Synopsis: In an attempt to circumvent the hostility to Hollywood re-makes a crazed director (Benicio del toro) uses the Black Arts to raise dead actors from beloved sit-coms of times gone by to make proper remakes. Of course, the zombies are okay for a while but then they rebel in their quest to feast on the brains of the living.

Note: Throughout production of this film nobody notices that the reanimated actors are all as old as they were when they were famous depsite living for decades afterwards and dying as penniless hobos/junkies.

Dubious CGI Extravaganza: Instead of hiring actors/doubles to actually play these parts the Director (possibly after a big night out) decides to use old footage of the actors and splice them into the scenes. This has thee added bonus of making this a nightmare from a legal standpoint and needing a drastic re-writing of scripts to fit in original dialogue but it does allow for the version for each country’s release to have local actors also spliced in (Nudge from ‘Hey Dad’ for instance). Of course this increases local interest but compounds the problems stated above.

Quite how these CGI actors from the past turn into ravening zombies is frankly up to brilliant direction and unparalleled suspension of disbelief.

Reviews: David Stratton on ‘At The Movies’ said “Weep for the future, Margaret. Weep for us all.”

The robots start trashing the place and killing people. After the initial slaughter the move onto hunting down the surviving humans in the facility. Whilst you may think that they would team up to destroy the robots. This is not the case as they attempt to lure each other into their robots deadly traps.

Eventually they realise that to survive the ordeal themselves they need to turn their own robots off (no one else can). Upon doing this they get arrested and end up cell-mates and the one-upmanship continues as the screen fades to black.

Synopsis:
Steve Buscemi is a scientist who has learnt how to ‘read minds” with a recording device worn by people. It shows what they’re seeing and records their thoughts as audio.

The technology soon gets used for reality TV entertainment with people being roving observers. The most popular is Penny (Jenna Elfman) who’s wacky sense of humour delights audiences worldwide with her witty take on life.

Steve Buscemi, who has to edit the thoughts, however sees the tragic side of a woman who has trouble connecting. Armed with this insight he is able to break down her walls and they fall in love. Their declaration of love is a watched world-wide.

Cast: Bruce Willis, Hugh Grant, Keira Knightly & Drew Barrymore

Synopsis: Bruce Willis is a wise Flower arranger who runs a shop near the busy law firm that Hugh Grant works with. Hugh is engaged to Kiera Knightly but meets and falls for Drew Barrymore. He starts going out with both but of course has to buy lots of flowers for both. Each visit to the Flower Arranger he learns more about the art of flower arranging and more about himself and the nature of love. No doubt a few other wacky characters come in with problems that can easily be solved with flower arranging. In the end Hugh realises something important about life and is never a bad boy again. There is love, loss and lava for no reason apart from it starts with L.

Soundtrack: An album of cover versions of songs/artists with flower-type names. All nice and melodic (e.g. Stone Roses covers, umm, Every Rose has it’s thorn… you get the idea.)

Computer Game: An online game from the movie site where people can make a bouquet by selecting flowers and arranging them in a vase then they can send to other people with a message (along with a ad/link back to the movie site… damn, that’s not too bad an idea…). The final boss is a flying shark who is vulnerable to cold attacks.